National Coming Out Day

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Today, October 11, 2017, is National Coming Out Day. I have a lot of feelings about National Coming Out Day. I have happy feelings because I love seeing the diversity and strength of this community that I have found. I am an out queer woman who is engaged to another woman and has had past relationships with both men and women. I am proud that I can say that and not fear for my job or my personal relationships, but I know that it is not always the case.

I never really "came out" to my parents in any official way. I had broken up with my then-boyfriend of five years, and I just sort of intimated that I had a new crush, and that this one was maybe sorta on a girl. My parents took it in stride, not getting bogged down with "well, what do you call yourself now" or "what has changed to make this a thing," two of the most tired and sad questions anyone can face when they opt for such vulnerability. Because honestly, I didn't know what I was calling myself but I knew that I had always sort of been that way. I had just been conditioned to ride the hetero train and didn't necessarily question the broader implications until recently.

I am incredibly lucky to have had a mind-blowingly supportive family and friend structure who has made this shift in my life not such a big deal. The thing about that is, not everyone has that option. Some people can't come out or won't come out or do not want to come out. The thing about "coming out" is that it assumes that out is the norm, the good, the appropriate place. It reinforces the idea that there is a norm--generally cis and hetero--and if you do not fit that norm, if you are something "other," you are required to disclose that, over and over again, to the world. In Cameron Esposito's Queery podcast this week, she talked to Rebecca Sugar (creator of Steven Universe, the best queer show on TV), who is an out bisexual. Cameron makes the analogy of going to a bagel shop and ordering two bagels, to which the worker responds, heteronormatively, "Oh, takin one home for the boyfriend?" There are two options: One, you are disingenuous and play along, getting through the interaction; or two, you essentially come out to this bagel shop worker even though this information has nothing to do with the completion of your interaction. Because coming out is not just one single thing. As a friend pointed out today, you don't just automatically get a rainbow above your head from then on to denote you as LGBTQIA+ like the Sims. The choice to come out and live authentically is constant and heart-wrenching and complicated. 

I hope some day just being visible will be enough. I hope that some day there wont be an assumed normal. I hope one day that coming out won't be necessary. But for right now, I understand the celebration in those who can.