#23/30 - 2015

[Dedicated to my lovely Kristen Marie, who passed Wednesday night. This is my description of the realization gathered from facebook posts and no real news. Thoughts also spring from this article, an interesting read on mourning in the techno age. I miss you already, darling.]

I cannot find the words for this sorrow.
Big, unabashed tears in public
a vague sense of darkness choking me with its
complete lack of information.
The world of grief is very different now,
it is extensive, rarely face-to-face and without any small words
to brace you for impact. 
There is just the first glimpse
the quick stab to the gut
the searching for more things you do not want to be true.
And so you reach out. 
Electric tendrils reach across time and space
to bring back what once was.
Feelings, friends, high school in-jokes,
they rush back, tinged with guilt and sadness. 
The maybes and regrets cloud my head
as I obsessively refresh
and I cry more tears than I can make,
capsizing me again every time I have to repeat it
to a new, yet-unbroken heart.  


I wish you peace, my darling Chrysalis.
Wherever you are is brighter now you're there. 

#24/30 - 2015

[Dedicated to my darling Kristen Marie Rushlow, gone too soon and too sudden. You taught me how to be myself and how to find my spot in the world. I love you forever, and I will miss you for always.]

Today, I live for you.
I raze my closet for its brightest colors
find the sparkliest polish for my nails
paint curlicues and glitter at the corners of my eyes
just like you taught me.
Today, I remember how to smile in spite of the pain
how to prioritize love above all else
how to split my face in a grin
and make another feel like they are the most important thing to ever happen,
just like you taught me.
Today I will read again
The Only Great Thing Anyone Has Ever Done
and clutch close every great thing you have ever done
for me.
Today,
I will find my shiniest baubles
I will drink my spiciest tea
I will listen to the Violent Femmes and the Flaming Lips and and Ani DiFranco and the Beatles
I will dye my hair
I will call someone darling
I will miss you.

I thought of you the other day,
a fleeting remembrance of us
rolling sushi in your kitchen
dying hair in your bathtub
shooting silly string firearms in your yard.
Today, I shoulder the regret of that fleeting thought
and its resulting inaction
I am locked in memory too long past to be as vivid
as I want it to be.

I will wear the ring we found in the dirt on a long run
some rainy day in high school
that we will no longer share custody of.
Today I will miss you for the rest of my life.