[Dedicated to my darling Kristen Marie Rushlow, gone too soon and too sudden. You taught me how to be myself and how to find my spot in the world. I love you forever, and I will miss you for always.]
Today, I live for you.
I raze my closet for its brightest colors
find the sparkliest polish for my nails
paint curlicues and glitter at the corners of my eyes
just like you taught me.
Today, I remember how to smile in spite of the pain
how to prioritize love above all else
how to split my face in a grin
and make another feel like they are the most important thing to ever happen,
just like you taught me.
Today I will read again
The Only Great Thing Anyone Has Ever Done
and clutch close every great thing you have ever done
for me.
Today,
I will find my shiniest baubles
I will drink my spiciest tea
I will listen to the Violent Femmes and the Flaming Lips and and Ani DiFranco and the Beatles
I will dye my hair
I will call someone darling
I will miss you.
I thought of you the other day,
a fleeting remembrance of us
rolling sushi in your kitchen
dying hair in your bathtub
shooting silly string firearms in your yard.
Today, I shoulder the regret of that fleeting thought
and its resulting inaction
I am locked in memory too long past to be as vivid
as I want it to be.
I will wear the ring we found in the dirt on a long run
some rainy day in high school
that we will no longer share custody of.
Today I will miss you for the rest of my life.
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