Recap 2017: 5 Years of Challenges

Whew! This is my fifth year of self-assigned reading, guys. It was my first year doing Book Riot's Read Harder Challenge, since the Eclectic Reader Challenge I had been doing before had not posted anything by the time I wanted to start organizing last December! It was a big step up, reading and writing about two books a month instead of one, and honestly the lines between months have bled as I have been busy and have also allowed myself to read and do other things for fun. Thus, this 2017 year recap is late, as were December's reviews. But! Better late than never, I always say. And plus, this is for me, and I can make up the rules! 2017 was a great year for me, personally. (The world, not so much...) It was the first full calendar year I spent with my now-fiance (!!!), we moved in together, I lifted some heavy things, I played some roller derby, I read and received a lot of good books. I think this year was far more eclectic of a year in terms of books, simply because of the number of categories I was given. I appreciated the specificity of some of the categories, as well as the broad, simple nature of others. This year in reading featured a lot of female- and woman- driven books, as per usual, but I also read a number of books centering stories of people of color, something I look to continue to do in the years to come. I read some more gay books, increased my bookshelf in that category, and it has been just all around pretty great. So, here we go, to recap twenty-four whole books that I read for this challenge in the year two thousand and seventeen!

Derby Life by Margot "Em Dash" Atwell
January - book about sports
The first thing I wanted to try to do this year was to read books that I already owned, if they fit the category. I donated to the Kickstarter for this book years ago, but it has sat on my derby reference shelf since then. I really enjoyed getting a new and different perspective on the sport I hold so dear, especially now that I am competing at such a wildly different level than when I started, three short years ago.

The Case for Books by Robert Darnton 
January - nonfiction book about technology
Books are great! I love books! E-readers give me access to so many books for so much cheaper! But I miss books! This is the age-old debate (well, Technology Age-old, haha) for book lovers, and it was one that I found very interesting. Darnton focused on Google and book digitization, but the essays were written seven years ago, and I would love to see what kind of research has been done since then.

Texts From Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg
February - book about books
Did I mention that I love books? This category was super hard, so I fell back on a book I'd been gifted and a concept that I was just so tickled by. What if classic characters could text? A fantastic thought experiment that Mallory Ortberg executed perfectly. I found myself snorting with laughter on the bus many a time during my read.



When I Was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago

February - book about immigration or by an immigrant
When I Was Puerto Rican is one of those books that I've seen on Best-Of lists since I was in high school but it never fit in with my reading schedule. This year it feels particularly poignant in retrospect, what with the devastation in Puerto Rico that still has not been addressed adequately by our government. The scenes in which the author discusses governmental aid during the election season was particularly difficult for me to read in today's context.

Monday or Tuesday by Virginia Woolf
March - collection of short stories written by a woman
Oh look, another chance to read some Virginia Woolf. I am slowly making my way through her entire oeuvre, and this collection of short stories reminded me why I fell in love with her to begin with. It is her early stuff, pre-Mrs. Dalloway, and you can see her playing with her soon-to-be characteristic style in various corners of the book. There's also a fantastic patriarchy-smashing satirical entry called "A Society" that everyone must read, stat.


The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

March - book that has been banned frequently
Well of Loneliness is often hailed as the beginning of lesbian fiction. It is a novel that is often referred to also as a thinly-veiled autobiography of Hall herself, and it is an interesting slice of naming and identity politics in that era. I think that I would more readily classify it as a genderqueer classic, rather than a lesbian one, and it was interesting to see arguably the beginning of the kill your darlings trope. And by interesting, I mean infuriating.

The Gunslinger by Stephen King
April - fantasy novel
It seems that 2017 was also a year to get around to reading things I've meant to for years but haven't. I was finally prompted to read The Gunslinger because the movie adaptation with Idris Elba was coming out, and a friend of mine swears by the series. I was very intrigued, and I read the second book, but there were places where I just really shook my head at Stephen King.

The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner
April - travel memoir
Where to be happy is an interesting concept for a travel memoir, and the methodical way in which Eric Weiner goes about researching and/or proving his hypotheses is incredibly appealing to a logical creature such as myself. It basically just solidified my desire to visit Iceland.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
May - book you've read before
I think this is the fourth time I've read Handmaid's Tale? The last was during the Romney bid for presidency, but this time was quantifiably scarier. The Hulu series did an incredible job of expanding Atwood's universe and adjusting things for 2017--although not many things, because it is unfortunately just as relevant now. (I will say that the fact that Elizabeth Moss is a Scientologist is highly problematic for me in terms of the brand of this show. But that's for another time.)

Cursed Pirate Girl by Jeremy A. Bastian
May - all ages comic
It is hard to find a stand-alone comic these days, and I did not succeed here either. Turns out this is Volume I! But in any case, I enjoyed this pen-and-ink comic with its intricate page layouts and fantastical characters. I am a sucker for pirate stories, especially lady pirate stories, so this was right up my alley.

The Bone People by Keri Hulme
June - book set >5000 mi from your location
Again, a book that has been on my shelf for like 5 years. It was recommended to me in college by a crush, who was as in love with words as I am, and this book did not disappoint. It was thrilling to read the way Hulme engages with not only the English of the book, but the Maori phrases that are peppered into the narratives.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz
June - YA by an LGBTQ+ author
This made my little gay heart swell. I appreciated the lack of a "eureka!" moment, as that is not how I came to my sexuality either, and to see it dealt with so naturally on the page was empowering. I got my copy of this book for free at Ferndale Pride this past summer, exemplifying a good queer community.

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie
July - published between 1900 and 1950
Another read prompted by the upcoming release of a film! Kenneth Branagh is Hercule Poirot in the newest film version of Agatha Christie's classic, and while I haven't seen it yet, I am looking forward to watching him act around a glorious mustache. I like reading mystery novels and only allowing half of my brain to try to figure out the whodunit, allowing the other half to just sort of revel in the reveal, so to speak.

Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice
July - debut novel
The original angsty vampire novel! Granted, Anne Rice is a much better writer than Stephanie Meyer, but the angst is strong with this one. I saw the movie so long ago, and I think I was most struck by tiny Kirsten Dunst, so that was the most gripping part of the novel for me. Also demon children are just terrifying altogether, so there's that.

Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly
August - book where all points of view are people of color
I stretched the category a little for this one, since Mo had bought it to read and I wanted to take advantage of that,  but I'm very glad I did. I think reading it in conjunction with seeing the film adaptation really was what made it fit this category.

Hell Hath No Fury by Rosalind Miles and Robin Cross
August - book about war
Again, could've been so good, but I wanted it to be at least 200 pages longer so they could go into more detail about some of the people discussed. I understand that that's not what this particular book was about, it was trying to be more of a reference guide, but on the bright side, now I have a whole list of women I want to go and research.

Redefining Realness by Janet Mock
September - book where a character of color goes on a spiritual journey
Janet Mock is a personal hero of mine. I really enjoyed reading about her inner thoughts as she was becoming who she really is, and the deftness with which she dealt with her situation was poetic and inspiring. I am looking forward to reading more of her work as I continue on my journey to be a woke human being.

Patsy Walker AKA Hellcat! #1: Hooked on a Feline by Kate Leth and Brittney Williams
September - superhero comic with a female lead
I loved Kate Leth's reimagining of Hellcat! Let's be real, I love pretty much everything about Kate Leth. So it was fun to see her venture into the superhero world and leave her signature fun and irreverent stamp on it. Plus she came up with the One Stop Crop Top Shop that has haunted my dreams ever since!

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
October - classic by an author of color
I grew up having "Phenomenal Woman" read to me by my mother. I've been raised on Maya Angelou. I've read parts of this book, I think, but never had the opportunity to sit down and read it in its entirety. It still feels so very relevant, especially in 2017, and that both made my heart swell and hurt.

A Knight To Remember by Bridget Essex
October - LGBTQ+ romance novel
This was a ridiculous romance novel but we finished it. It could've been so good but I was constantly taken out of it by the author's outlandish descriptions and obsession with certain key phrases. It sort of made me want to write a romance novel, you know, to do it better. But I love reading LGBTQ+ stories, so that made my little queer heart warm.


The Law of Love by Laura Esquivel
November - book set in Central/South America, written by a Central/South American author
DNF. Did. Not. Finish. The first 20 pages made me uncomfortable and they were trying too hard and I just couldn't even with it. I have brought the first 20 pages back out at parties to read how ridiculous it is, though.

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
November - book set <100 mi from your location
I loved this book. I've been meaning to read it for a long while now, and I'm grateful when challenges allow me to check one of those books off my list. What can I say about Middlesex that hasn't already been said? It is an amazing work of literature, both in terms of style and form. The decisions Eugenides made with time and structure add weight to the story and to the narrator, and I couldn't put it down.

Look There by Agi Mishol, translated by Lisa Katz
December - collection of poetry in translation on a theme other than love
I've had a lot of feelings about Israel lately, and reading this collection was no exception. I was reminded of the beauty of Israel and also its hardship, and how it has shaped the people in my life. I missed my brother when I read these poems, and I texted him to make sure he know that I was thinking about him.

Fruit Mansion by Sam Herschel Wein
December - book published by a micropress
My cool friend Sam wrote a chapbook and I had the honor of buying it and reading it and putting it on my shelf. His raw honesty and power came through in every line of every poem, and I am thrilled to know him.

And there you have it! That is my 2017 in books, for the most part. I am proud to have only hit one dud in this challenge, as I was really stretching myself. I wish I had more time to read, but I think I'm doing pretty well as is! I hope you enjoyed this, imaginary reader, and I maybe gave you some TBRs of your own!

~ My 2016 recap ~ 

~ My 2015 recap ~ 

~ My 2014 recap ~ 

~ My 2013 recap ~

JAN - Derby Life

January review for Book Riot's Read Harder 2017: Derby Life by Margot "Em Dash" Atwell, 2015. [book about sports category]

Derby Life: A Crash Course in the Incredible Sport of Roller Derby is just that: a crash course. Margot Atwell, also known as "Em Dash" in the derby community (one of my favorite derby names ever), offers a good primer on roller derby, touching a little bit on everything, from derby history to how to get involved with a league, from what sort of things you need to play to how to cross-train for your best derby experience. I contributed to this book's Kickstarter campaign with a few other of my leaguemates a few years back, but I never really got around to reading it. Thank you, reading challenges, for helping me remember gems on my own shelves before I go out in search of others! 

I really enjoyed the Skater Stories section of the book, and I kicked myself through every page for not getting my act together and submitting anything. I've written a few things about derby since I started, some for the league's blog, most recently some playoffs recaps for Derby Central, but for whatever reason I didn't make time for this book. I loved reading the ways other skaters internalized derby and how it came out again through their writing. 

This year marks a big one in derby for me, and I feel as if I'm at a standstill, waiting to see what is wrong with my knee and how long it will take to fix. It was helpful to read through Derby Life from start to finish as a sort of salve for my nerves. Remembering how I began, how I got here, where I can go. Taking deep breaths through the injury section, knowing that my body doesn't feel broken, just overworked, and praying that that's all. I just need the next steps because I've got things to do this season!

Mental Toughness and Roller Derby

A few weeks back, I had a really terrible scrimmage night. I was trying new things every jam but none of them were working, and I felt like I was in the penalty box more than I was on the track. I couldn't shake anything off, couldn't leave any jam behind. Each trip around the ref lane piled on the next until I almost burst, snapping at the three different NSOs who told me I was soon to foul out of scrimmage. I couldn't let it go, and every time I took the track again after leaving the sin bin, I came in too hot, guns blazing, something to prove, which inevitably landed me right back where I started for another sit-down.

Everybody knows that everybody has bad days. You know it, but that doesn't always mean you can convince yourself of it in the midst of one, especially if you are prone to anxiety and overthinking like I am. It takes a certain skill set to be able to take a deep breath and evaluate what is making you feel bad in the moment, rather than later after a shower and a beer and some time apart. That skill set has often been referred to as "mental toughness," or the ability to roll with the punches when your brain gets to kicking its own ass.

Roller derby has taught me how to translate this mental toughness into the way I deal with problems or all-around just shitty days in my everyday life. Mental toughness is something athletes talk about a lot, not just in roller derby. My team has recently passed around a copy of Mind Gym to that effect, a book about inner excellence in athletics. This season, I’ve been trying to figure out what it means to be on the teams that I’m on, and how to find my next steps in my derby career. One of the ways I’ve been trying to do that is by assessing what derby has taught me so far. Roller derby has taught me that you can do anything for two minutes. And then on to the next two minutes. Roller derby has taught me that when that whistle blows, either to start or to end the jam, everything else can (and should) fall away. Roller derby has taught me how to recenter myself in the midst of the chaos, because in gameplay you can't escape for a few quiet breaths alone in the bathroom--unless, of course it is halftime, in which case you should absolutely take advantage of that opportunity.

One of the final parts of mental toughness that I've picked up through roller derby is the idea of the zen bench. In derby, it's the concept that when you're getting ready to play your next jam, you probably shouldn't watch the game or let yourself get riled up about it. Focus inward, take a deep breath, and plan some small thing that you yourself want to do in the next jam. This is much easier said than done, of course, but roller derby has taught me that it is ok for things to be hard, and for you not to be great at things that are easy to say. Because at the end of the day, mental toughness isn’t about being tough all the time. It’s about the reset. And you can do anything for two minutes, especially if you learn how to reset yourself.

AUG - The Mind Gym

August review for Eclectic Reader's Challenge 2015: The Mind Gym by Gary Mack with David Casstevens, 2001. [Sports category]

Mind Gym and my derby quad skates

The Mind Gym: An Athlete's Guide to Inner Excellence was recommended to a friend of mine who expressed fears that she was experiencing a plateau in her derby career. This skater had shown a meteoric rise from newly-passed skills to A-team starting jammer, but she has recently been feeling like she isn't going any farther. I don't know if I would describe what I'm feeling as a plateau in the way that she does, but I decided picking up this book would be worthwhile for my athletic career, especially with B-team tryouts coming up. I had straddled the line between C and B teams since last November, skating as an alternate for the B team, and now I was considering trying out for a full spot on the roster, and I was nervous. I was nervous to embrace my progress, nervous to leave my comfort zone and the team that I felt had made me a lot of what I was. I angsted about tryouts and talked to a lot of my friends who had been skating at a higher level than I for longer, and they all told me pretty much the same thing: that I had to examine what I wanted for myself, what my personal goals were, and understand the headspace I was in before I made my decision. This was not news to me.

Ever since I became an athlete in high school, I have struggled with the mental game and its serious applicability to the course or the track or whatever situation I found myself in. I ran cross country and threw shotput and discus in high school, rode horses when I was younger, and most recently joined roller derby, most of which are particularly individual-focused. Derby was the first thing I'd done--pretty much ever--where I had a team and a tryout and a roster, and it didn't scare me or discourage me as much as I thought it might. I have never been particularly thin or fast and I didn't realize how much I'd built those attributes up as indicators of worth--attributes which I did not possess and therefore subconsciously found myself less-than, a mindset I have worked extremely hard to eradicate in recent years. While I have not been particularly thin or fast, I have always been strong, and derby has given me a space to aggrandize and celebrate that strength and to slightly make up for some of the self-denigration I've experienced (at my own hands) in the past. Derby has allowed me a space to celebrate my body and my strength, as well as realize that the attributes I do not possess do not make me any lesser of an athlete. They just make me a different kind of an athlete, and I would not trade the body I have now for anything. I have become more healthy, both physically and mentally, since the first time I laced up quads over a year and a half ago, and I could not be happier with the community and worldview it has brought me.

Me skating against the Lansing Mitten Mavens this past month
Photo courtesy of David Lewis

As I mentioned, a lot of the content of this book was information I had heard before, in some form or another, particularly the points about positive thinking and visualization. As a team, we have recently started to incorporate visualization practices into our bout-day warm-up ritual, and I admit that allowing myself that time to become centered has helped immensely. In terms of the actual text itself, its anectodal sentence structure left me a little less-than engaged, as Mack would move from one athlete's story to another within a few lines, and I wouldn't really connect with many of them because they were blown through so fast. However, Mack's book has been very beneficial to me as a reminder to practice these things that I have known as well as the new things I have learned, to implement them in my own mind gym where I hold all the power over my own progress. One small thing that I will take away from this text is the idea of kaizen, a term utilized in Japanese culture meaning constant daily learning and improvement, as recounted by Mack (p47). I thoroughly believe that learning is an everyday process, one that each conscious choice should point towards, no matter what the subject of those choices are. I try to take the time after each day's practice to reflect on things I did well and things I would like to continue to work on, in order to be the best skater I can be. So while this book wasn't revolutionary to me, the concept of the mind gym and of kaizen are invaluable tools that Mack has brought to the forefront of my training mind, and I hope to implement them through the rest of this season. 

#19/30 - 2015

[This weekend at the training camp, after our first scrimmage of the day A2D2 went outside to have a picnic in the sun before our next game. The Vixens, whom we had just played, filtered out to join us and we all had a grand time bonding over roller derby and eating food and basking in the nice weather.] 

Where else can you get hip-checked so hard
your skates leave the earth
and your hip bone slams down in their place,
hit delivered expertly by the opposing A-team skater,
each throb of newfound ache nearly pressing tears
from your eye,
and then twenty minutes later,
you find yourself seated next to the checker on a spread blanket
both enjoying the sun and the crisp deep breaths,
and you congratulate her for the hit
and she grins, asking if you've bruised fun colors yet,
excitement and pride and sportsmanship
mingling in a heady, electric atmosphere around us
and we are intoxicated
drunk on roller derby

#4/30 - 2015

I did not prepare

for this.
It is Bout Day
and
I am not ready. I am not hydrated. I am not mentally prepared.

I lived the Roster Alternate life,

prepping for the game as a spectator

as a just in case:

take away the nerves and the self-doubt and the worry.

But now it is real

and my gear is still on after warm up

and the buzz is in my ears

the deafening noise only lessening for my name over the loudspeaker--

a phrase that still thrills me
even 400 days after my christening.
Even though I will probably ride the bench until the second half,
even though I am not prepared,
every face in my jersey beams as my hand hits after my intro lap.
I am a part of this, and it is marvelous.
I nearly run into my captain as I rejoin the line,
hands on hips and toestops sliding as I make my stop,
and she places a hand on my own and says
you got this, don't worry.

But I was fashioned to worry.
I am built of overwrought thought and scenario playouts
and it is all I can take to be still.
Still, my leg shakes as I step up to the jammer line,
seven minutes left in the game,
three points down,
my first jam.
A time-out for a bench violation draws on the waiting
and I try to feel the energy rolling off my teammates
and channel it into slowing my nervous heart.
Five seconds is called
four of my blockers in front of me
three points for me to make up
only two opposing
and the whistle blows.
I am ready.

SEPT - Whip It

September review for Eclectic Reader's Challenge 2014: Whip It by Shauna Cross, 2007. [Romantic Comedy category]

For this month's Romantic Comedy genre, I started reading something else, and I was sort of surprised by how much I didn't like it, especially because I've liked things she's written before. Something about it got under my skin, I was perpetually irritated by the protagonist, which is never a good sign. So I did what I always do. I found a book that fit for me. I picked Whip It by Shauna Cross, inspiration for the 2009 film, because I recently convinced myself to finally try roller derby and I fell in love. I know Whip It is sort of a cop-out pop-culture representation of what derby is really like, but I guess that's what happens when you find something you love, you want to get all up in it, roll yourself up with the good and the bad. Before I started reading this book, I rationalized it to myself that I was reading it for the romance as in the romance of roller derby, falling in love with roller derby, rather than a person...but it actually did have a lot to say about human love too, which I had forgotten. All in all, my decision worked out :)
The short version of this synopsis is that Bliss Cavendar is a 16 year old living in small-town Bodeen, Texas with a pageant queen mother who is attempting to live vicariously through Bliss, but Bliss is the exact opposite of that life, from her alternative band tees to her bottle blue hair. Somehow, on a trip to Austin, Bliss finds out about a Roller Derby bout that she sneaks off to with her best friend, and it is here that she falls in love. Falls in love with a sport that will change her life, and with a boy who will pretty much do the same, but in a more hurtful, t-shirt-stealing way. And thus begins the romantic comedy, during which Bliss lies to pretty much everyone in her life in order to do the things that she wants. She lies to both Roller Derby and the boy, Oliver, about her age in order to play and run with the cool kids; and she lies to her parents about derby and about the boy because they would most probably (and understandably) freak out about both novelties coming into Bliss's 16-year-old world. I'm not trying to paint Bliss as a bad kid by pointing out how much she lies and sneaks around, I'm just trying to paint the situation that she found herself in and the decisions she made to try to get herself out of it. As the story progresses, Bliss finds herself falling harder and deeper into her new worlds, caught up in a whirlwind she's never known before, and there's definitely an element of that in my own derby experience, even though I never had to lie about my age or not tell my parents or take a senior citizens bus to practice. In Whip It, Bliss acts as the quintessential derby girl, the misfit, the weirdo, the one who fits in with all the other people who don't fit anywhere else. Sure, it is a stereotype, and Shauna Cross does have her fill of those, right down to the "don't date boys in bands" line, but it almost transcends the cliché in its pure, unabashed perspective. Yes, Whip It is a gross simplification; yes, it's the thing all your friends try to remember when you announce that you play roller derby now; yes, it has a team in schoolgirl costumes like a cherry on top. But what Whip It also has is the heart of derby, the quick wit, the honesty, and the can-do attitude that is so refreshing about this amazing sport. Cross beautifully crafts a character whose words and tone speak to the tone of the entire sport, because dammit Bliss is hilarious.

Lance Hardwood Photography

The final reason I chose this book, and the final thing I'd like to touch on, is of course, Roller Derby itself. How much I love it. How the "romance" works for me. I've thought a lot about derby in the months since I took my first hit, and the thing I keep coming back to is its heart. I have never experienced a more accepting and loving group of people who can simultaneously knock your ass to the ground with a good (legal) canopener hit and then help you back up after the jam telling you how great you did. I likened my relationship with roller derby to a romantic comedy because it is one of the funniest spaces I've ever been in, with dirty jokes and teasing that somehow coexists with an incredibly earnest desire to learn and better yourself and your skills. My romance with roller derby got underway this past March, when a new co-worker told me I could always just borrow her stuff for one practice and then decide after, knowing full well that I would never be able to say no again.

I'm a Big Skater Now!

So tonight begins my official career as an Ypsilanti Vigilante. I guess I could've gone to Vigi practice last week, but it was hours after I'd found out my assessment results, and I was a little dizzy still from it all. It's hard to believe that I've come this far in five months. It's not precisely that I feel *different* than I did at the start of Fresh Meat, I don't think I'm a different person, but there is definitely something that has shifted. I almost feel more like myself. Like there was this girl inside of me for years, ever since I first heard the term, and she just sort of chilled out in a beaten up lounge chair at the back of my mind with my dreams of owning a bookstore and a world-class hunter-jumper horse.
My fellow wave-mates and I have talked about the "roller derby blur", and I sure as hell felt it on Sunday. Sunday was our first scrimmage day as a wave: normally I guess we get to do a little scrimmaging before the skills test, so some of our pack skills are better, but our timeline just didn't really work out that way I guess. So Sunday, first real scrimmage. I was excited, but nervous as sometimes my body has a tendency to forget how to derby after a while, and I hadn't skated in a whole week (since we didn't skate on Wednesday, just answered endless amounts of questions....) so I was already on edge. This was new ground. I didn't know how I would be or what I should expect or whether it was something I was actually good at. I mean, sure I'm "skilled" in the eyes of WFTDA and Frac and Whiskey, but what if that wasn't enough?
Now, I will readily admit that I suffer from anxiety, and it used to be really bad in high school. I haven't had a anxiety attack it a few years, I felt like I'd sort of mastered how to deal with myself through self-awareness and meds and timing. Imagine my surprise, then, when the tell-tale shakiness started to creep back after our warm up. My heart got tight like I'd been pumped with too much coffee, and every time I tried to turn around toe stop my toes just kept sliding and I'd end up on my ass. I sat out a few to work on my damn toe stops and make them behave, so I thought I was good again and returned to trackside. We had started to play a game called Secret Service that was designed for newbies to be able to focus on one job and not get so overwhelmed trying to think about everything during a jam, and I'd been handed the jammer star for one round. I got through the pack (not lead, but I got through), and I hauled ass to get back around, but I came in too hot around the curve and ended up diving through the pack and wiping out rather than getting through on my own 8 wheels. I got up, play resumed, and then I got pushed out and called for a track cut. I got up and the jam was called and I shakily made my way over to the penalty box. I sat down and then silently handed the jammer star to one of my derby wives, who I knew could tell something was amiss, but she had to be out on the track and she'd ask me later, her eyes said. I stood up, legs still almost vibrating. I skated slowly, head down, to the locker room across the rink, tension building in my chest the closer I got to the door. When I got inside, I broke. I had begun to feel terrible, like such a spaz and not in control of my own body, or my mind was not connected to my muscles anymore. I took off my helmet and my wrist guards and put my head between my knees and let myself sob a few times. Every time I heard voices near the door as skaters went by on the track, my heart did a funny little flip flop, and I remembered all the times when I was little when I would hide far longer than necessary just to see if someone would come see if I was alright. More often than not, I gave people too much credit and ended up alone on the steps next to my house angry that no one had noticed my pain, but not registering the fact that they were probably rolled up in a coat of their own hurt. I didn't want that to happen now. I didn't want to wait to see if my friends or derby wives came in to find me, I didn't want to let myself get angry at them for enjoying practice or hell, respecting my space. I tried to repeat as much as I could remember of Bonnie D.Stroir's "Puppy Talk" podcast to myself, breathing into each phrase. When I'd calmed myself down enough, when I didn't think I would cry at the drop of a hat anymore, I ventured back out and joined in stretching. I stretched silently, eyes on the floor, and geared down faster than my peers. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, when my wife Nailer came in and just asked if I wanted a hug. Of course I did, but I didn't want to cry, and she knew it but she hugged me anyway. Trauma came in shortly after, and then Belle, and soon my body was wracked with sobs and apologies as my wives just hugged me and were sweet.
I was reminded over and over that day of the safe space that derby can be if you let it, the space where you can feel your feelings but also be propped back up by every other girl who's going through the same confusion and learning as you are. That is one of the reasons I love roller derby. One of the reasons I am excited for tonight. We get to practice with the other Vigilantes, women who are talented and strong and vulnerable just like me, and I cannot wait to be able to love myself and this sport like they do.

#20/30 - 2014

Derby Church

Every Sunday morning, I go
to a different kind of church.
One with kneepads to help when you
lose your feet
and mouthguards
to protect your precious words
the questions, the newness.

My derby church is full of
women. Ladies plucked from different lives
and mixed together in the most perfect
patchwork
imaginable. I've never had a close friend
with two kids and a commuter car
I've never had a close friend
with two knee braces and more speed than a drag racer
I've never had a close friend
who bares themselves
muscle and mind
for the sole connecting factor
of the wheels on our feet.

So thank you, derby church.
Thank you for being
a different kind
of kind
thank you for teaching me
about muscles I hadn't known
and skills I hadn't found
and women I hadn't dreamed of

Last night I went to sleep with a tickle in my throat
and a worry in my heart
praying I would not wake too sick to lace up
If I missed practice, it would be a week and a half before my next confession
and I'm realizing
I'm starting to count on it.

Published on the Ann Arbor Derby Dimes blog here.